Sunday, January 23, 2011

Is it that time?...

Recently, a good friend of mine showed me this amazingness  (Please take a moment to soak in the wonderfulness of this theme...)

I know I've already shared this with quite a few people because... I love Up! and seeing these wedding photos were really... obscenely touching to me.
But of course, my sharing this, led a few people to ask, "are you hinting that you're planning on getting married soon?".  These few people included my parents (awkward).  I also sensed hesitation from my partner as I gushed over the cuteness, as though, again, it was implied that I was hinting at something.
Why is it that a twenty-one (almost two) year old woman can't talk about weddings and marriage without the presumption that marriage is on the brain?  Are we just at that age?  I seem suddenly surrounded by Facebook status updates of couples getting engaged, or albums of old acquaintances getting married.  Is it just that time?

I don't know where I stand on marriage just yet.  Let's just say, that while I was growing up, my parents' marriage troubles gave me a strong distaste for the institution of marriage.  I was convinced that I would be the kind of girl, who would have many partners, would never sacrifice her own life/ career, and probably never marry until the most romantic, perfect, "one" came into my life, though I was doubtful that this could ever happen.
Well.  I haven't had multiple partners.  I've been with the same man for 3 and a half years now.  And I am actively interviewing to be nearer to him in the future, which while not a "sacrifice" is still an alteration of my life plans.  Failed follow-through here.  haha

And suddenly, I really don't know WHAT I feel about it (marriage).  I suddenly find myself unconsciously, but faithfully, watching shows about weddings (i.e. Say Yes to the Dress, My Fair Wedding, etc.) that I would have considered pathetic and asinine when I was younger.  Instead, I now find them endearing and inspirational (while still cringing every time someone insists that spending that insane amount of money on your wedding day is worth it because, "This will be the most important day of your life!"... I mean... really?... 75,000 dollars is too much for a wedding dress.  That's 10 times what I paid for college.)  But what does my sudden fascination with these shows mean?  Is this my biological clock telling me it's time?  Is it society subtly warping my thoughts?  Am I slowly becoming one of those silly women that I used to judge?
Even now, in shows like Sex and the City, shows that are supposed to be about women empowerment, in the end, all they wanted and attained (I suppose with the exception of Samantha) was to be happily married.  Movies and books always portray that every woman's secret goal is to find love and be happily married, even when they adamantly insist that they want the OPPOSITE of that, they still end up in a happy relationship.
Is this just a part of life/ natural?  Or is this society keeping women in their proper place?  By occasionally wanting marriage, does that mean that I'm buying into something oppressing, or is it a choice, like when I want to wear heels?  (No worries, I do recognize that you cannot take off marriage like a pair of heels...)

Part of my inner turmoil is that, while it seems that everyone else I know is in the opposite situation, I am the only one of my close friends in a long term relationship.  Everyone else is either newly-dates or single (often bitterly so).  Sometimes, they unintentionally make me feel ashamed of my relationship.  And hearing them talk about how bitter they feel about marriage only adds more confusion in my marriage-brain gumbo.  Sometimes I feel like there is so much opposition from my friends, and even sometimes my partner, that I feel guilty for sometimes thinking about/ wanting it.  I'm sure this is not their intention (well... most of them.)  And then sometimes I wonder how much of it is also me, still feeling a little commitment-phobic.

Obviously, this is not a conclusion to be drawn after typing a blog, while watching UP, of all things.  Clearly, I'm over-analyzing (surprise?)... and I'm sure I will continue to think about this topic, as it pertains to my life... so if anyone has any insights they'd like to share (or not because I understand how this is kind of awkward), I'd be glad to hear them.  Now that I'm here... I've realized that I have no smooth ending to this blog-- SQUIRREL!
(The end.)

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