We are a family, like a giant tree

I can’t believe I lost a student.  I’ve never lost a student before.  Even with all the deaths at the university this year… it was never one of mine.

It’s so different.  It’s beyond… friendship, or acquaintanceship.  There’s almost (ALMOST) something parental that goes into it.  That genuine investment in hir future, in hir success, in hir happiness.  And to have that taken away so abruptly.

…

It ages you.

I have never felt so old.  I feel old.  Emotionally.  Mentally.  I lost part of my family.  My obscenely large, 25 person family.  Part of my heart.  Part of my love.  All the pieces that went into her.

There’s always that sense of injustice when you lose someone so young in life.  It’s worse when you were just helping that person make plans for hir life.  When it’s someone you were watching just beginning to blossom.  Through you.  With you.  Maybe partially because of you.

Anyone working with students knows that they teach you and grow you often just as much as you do for them.  I cherish all the lessons and impacts she’s made.  I miss the opportunity to have more.

It feels so strange because I was planning on never really seeing her again, since I left the university.  In many ways, my plans are not changing because of this.  But it just feels so different.  There is an aching in the knowledge.  And a feeling that it’s all surreal, that I can’t quite shake.  Like, maybe if I just keep avoiding the topic, or avoid seeing her tomorrow at the wake, or on Tuesday at the funeral, I can just pretend that she’s still there at the university.  Talking with her new supervisor.  Continuing to grow and be.  And live.

It’d be easier to go that route.

I miss her.

It’s weird.  I don’t think we often talk about all the different families we create.  I had them in undergrad.  I had them in grad school.  I assume I will have more in the years to come.  She was a part of my family.  Maybe we didn’t know all the intimate details, but we were a part of that together.  Even closer, in many ways, because I directly supervised her.

I lost family.

The rest of my family is broken without her.  I am trying to stay strong for them, to be there for them.  To maintain myself as a support pillar, as they process the loss of a friend, a sister.

Our hearts are broken.

My heart is broken.

RIP HM

“For, nowadays, the world is lit by lightning!  Blow out your candles, Laura—and so—goodbye…” – The Glass Menagerie

Rollercoasters are fun...

When they're not mental/ emotional ones.

This is how the job search is making me feel:

And yes.  It does feel like I'm doing this on repeat.
... and as modestly as I can say this... I fully recognize that I'm actually (surprisingly) doing quite well.
I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

What else is new?
Ha...
Bwah.
Help me. haha

The Voice

So... on Saturday, March 3rd, 2012, I did something very impulsive.  It may, in fact, be the most impulsive thing I have done in years.  I decided to audition for the NBC show, The Voice.

I decided a week before.  Exactly seven days.  The week before spring break closing and The Placement Exchange.
Obviously good timing on my part.
For anyone who knows me (which should be you all), y'all know that this is really pretty rash on my part.

But still, though it was exhausting, and I'm now scrambling to get things together, I'm really glad that I did it.

I knew, going into the auditions, that it was highly unlikely that I would move onto the next round, which I think helped me get through the whole process.  And, so, though I did not get through to the next round, it at least was not surprising or terribly soul-crushing.

The auditions took place in Chicago.  I stood in line for roughly 8 hours, arriving at 2:30 PM and leaving at 10:15 PM, with hundreds of people, of all ages, backgrounds, hopes, and vocal styles.  I brought a good friend of mine, who was a good sport, and stood in line with me for 6 of the 8 hours, and stood/ sat by herself in a freezing convention center for the last two hours.  We drove 8 hours in one day, returning to Bowling Green at 4:00 AM.  I owe her a lot.  Maybe a cake.  Or a puppy. or both.

I made a friend... She drove in the morning from Columbus.  We bonded over our mutual amateur status, spontaneous decision making, long drive in, and Columbus-love.  After standing in line together, we ended up being in the same audition group.  Everyone stands in line... we register, then you're split into groups of 10.  The 10 of you audition individually in front of one judge, who determines whether you move onto a callback a day or two after.

I met so many interesting people.  There was a man, singing country, in his 30's, who had auditioned for American Idol 6 times, X Factor once, and America's Got Talent at least once, without ever making beyond the first round.  There was a woman, probably around my age, with purple hair, a cowboy hat, and who had recently won a 1,000 dollar karaoke tournament with a Melissa Etheridge song.  I met an incredibly impressive woman who was making her living off of being a jazz singer, but was auditioning with "Il Mio Caro", one of the most beautiful classical pieces ever written.
In my group, we had three middle-aged men, a slightly older than middle-aged woman, a seventeen year old girl, and five "my aged" or 20's-early 30's.  Out of this group, I would say (and I say this with kindness and acknowledging that everyone has different preferences), there were three people who weren't so good.  Four that were good, but not amazing.  Me (I... don't feel comfortable ranking myself... haha).  And a man that was really incredible.  I really thought that he would be passed through to the next round.  However, he didn't have a second piece prepared, and I think that hurt his chances.  None of us in my group made it to callbacks.

While we were all singing, with the exception of the one incredible man, the judge stared at her laptop the entire time, or was making marks in her notebook.  When I sang, she looked up and watched for a few seconds, almost as though she was considering me briefly.  She did not ask me for a second piece though.  I wonder what she was looking for, considering how incredible that man was who she ended up not passing through.

Going through the audition process made the experience more possible, more realistic, and more jading.  I wonder how many incredible people don't get passed through.  Judging by what I've seen on the show, I wonder how many... what I would consider, not as incredible people get passed through.  How many times do people stand for hours in line, hoping that this audition is the lucky one that gets them through.  It's a chance of a lifetime, but how many other chances and risks do you have to take?  The woman I befriended in line and I discussed how if it had worked out for us, that we couldn't fathom getting around work and job searching.  Would we really give it all up for a chance to maybe possibly get through?  And maybe these thoughts are why I could never make the jump to performing for a living. haha

Anyway.  I thought that this might be an eventful update! :)  Hooray, spontaneity!  What's next?  Spontaneous trip to Russia?!  haha just kidding.  maybe.

In other news.  2.5 days until TPE.  2 suits and a new leather bag.  Still rocking the red, leather padfolio K-Sav leant/ gave (I hope... because... I never gave it back.. haha) to me for BGSU I-days.  ADORABLE thank you/ memo cards purchased.  So much still to do.
Love for y'all.  Wish me luck for this "audition process"! :)

Friendly Reminders...

I received a friendly reminder from a good friend about my lack of blogging.

WHOA.  4-5 months later. haha.

No promises, friends.  But... I AM alive!  Hooray!

Fun fact:  Job searching= stressful.  More consistent blogging is likely not to commence again until April.  If it's any comfort... My Netflix account is also on hold until April! haha

If anything, I'm consistent.

Much love! :)PJ

For some reason...

This never gets old for me...


I don't know why... haha

Rawr.

Well... we all knew it was coming.
The time when I would run out of time to blog.
And though technically, I don't really have time to now, I felt like dropping in and saying... SOMETHING.

A lot of random things have been happening... An old high school acquaintance is attempting to overtake my class council president duties and plan a (second) 5 year reunion around me.  Which sounds petty, so I won't  go into it... but that sharp reminder of high school, along with the fact that there are 8 more months before I graduate from my master's program, [which means I'll most likely be leaving Ohio] has made me really stop and think (as most "endings" generally do) about my relationships with people.

It is daunting.  To look back on all the different phases of your life.  (I know, I know... my life has been soooo long).
But, really.  I've always been pretty good at finding, no matter where I go, a small pod of people that I form good, trusting relationships with.  Sure, sometimes we're not actually personality matches... sometimes it's because we are in the same place... but I've always found good people everywhere I've gone.  And... really, at this point, I've gone a lot of places.

It's weird to evaluate who you've kept in touch with; who you haven't, but still feel close to; who you don't think you'll stay in contact with in the future; who you do think you'll stay in contact with; the people that you thought you'd never lose connection with, but you have.

And... yes.  It is unrealistic to think that I was going to keep all 50 best friends from my life (Yes.  I'm one of those people.  I have more than one best friend.  Get over it.), and we'd talk regularly, and see each other regularly, etc.  There just isn't enough time and mental energy for that to happen.
But then... what is the glue?  What is that thing that somehow has kept me bonded to some, but not to others?

What's worse is, at times like these... I find myself realizing the people I've fallen out of touch with, and I try to rekindle, to a certain extent, our friendship... or at least see how they're doing.  Because, realistically, they will always have a place in my heart.  I will still always care.
It is always sad when someone is non-receptive, or you know that attempting to contact that person would only be toxic.

It has also been raining for 3 days straight now.  Which just makes this whole thing a little gloomier.

I am 95% sure that I will be moving to California.  I feel like I need to write that down.  Often.  To remind myself of the reality of it.  And to accustom myself to the thought to stop myself from wanting to panic and run in circles/ throw up (preferably not at once).

That will be the furthest long-term living (I feel like 6 weeks in the summer does not count) from my family, roots, and friends, that I will ever have undertaken.  We will even be 3 hours away in TIME.  What will happen to those relationships then?  Will I just get caught up in the stress of my new location and forget to call/ text/ email/ send cards?  How many more people will I let go?

Hrmph.
I know.  I'm fixating.  This is part of life.  I will be fine.  I will have others to fill the voids.  But that doesn't mean I won't keep missing those holes in my heart.
Rawr.

Promise:  Next time I'll write a happy/ funny blog.  Remember when I used to write those?
This is kind of happy... I've lost 15 lbs since the last time I posted!  YAY.

Happy belated birthday to my man.
Happy early birthday to my seester.
:)
They are now both two-dozen years old.  Which I like to imagine/ measure in cupcakes.

I should stop now.
Miss y'all.

Dear Blog (and approximately 3 readers...)

I am sorry I have abandoned you.
I wish I could write something informative or insightful.
But I am tired.
So.  Must know things for you.

1.) I have officially returned to Ohio.
2.) I'm in training.
3.) I got a trim and have officially decided to grow my hair long again.
4.) I am currently using WeightWatchers.  It is an interesting journey that we can discuss at a later date.
5.) I am feeling very insecure about everything in my life
     5a) I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm sure it'll be okay.
6.) Tyler Rogols is now at BG with me.
7.) I bought a VERY pretty green bra today.  I don't feel this way about my bras often.  I guess this might not have been a MUST know, per say... but I felt like sharing.
8.) I'm in the middle of the book One Day and am enjoying it immensely.  I hope I actually finish it before my life dies.
      8a)  Upon re-reading this post, I realized how crazily dramatic that was.  Tired = intense exaggeration?
9.) I am very seriously considering attempting to stage The Last Five Years with my friend Jeremy.
     9a)  Well... maybe not THAT serious.  I'm afeared.
10.) I miss you all.  Every single one of you.  So much. :[