Thursday, September 8, 2011


Well... we all knew it was coming.
The time when I would run out of time to blog.
And though technically, I don't really have time to now, I felt like dropping in and saying... SOMETHING.

A lot of random things have been happening... An old high school acquaintance is attempting to overtake my class council president duties and plan a (second) 5 year reunion around me.  Which sounds petty, so I won't  go into it... but that sharp reminder of high school, along with the fact that there are 8 more months before I graduate from my master's program, [which means I'll most likely be leaving Ohio] has made me really stop and think (as most "endings" generally do) about my relationships with people.

It is daunting.  To look back on all the different phases of your life.  (I know, I know... my life has been soooo long).
But, really.  I've always been pretty good at finding, no matter where I go, a small pod of people that I form good, trusting relationships with.  Sure, sometimes we're not actually personality matches... sometimes it's because we are in the same place... but I've always found good people everywhere I've gone.  And... really, at this point, I've gone a lot of places.

It's weird to evaluate who you've kept in touch with; who you haven't, but still feel close to; who you don't think you'll stay in contact with in the future; who you do think you'll stay in contact with; the people that you thought you'd never lose connection with, but you have.

And... yes.  It is unrealistic to think that I was going to keep all 50 best friends from my life (Yes.  I'm one of those people.  I have more than one best friend.  Get over it.), and we'd talk regularly, and see each other regularly, etc.  There just isn't enough time and mental energy for that to happen.
But then... what is the glue?  What is that thing that somehow has kept me bonded to some, but not to others?

What's worse is, at times like these... I find myself realizing the people I've fallen out of touch with, and I try to rekindle, to a certain extent, our friendship... or at least see how they're doing.  Because, realistically, they will always have a place in my heart.  I will still always care.
It is always sad when someone is non-receptive, or you know that attempting to contact that person would only be toxic.

It has also been raining for 3 days straight now.  Which just makes this whole thing a little gloomier.

I am 95% sure that I will be moving to California.  I feel like I need to write that down.  Often.  To remind myself of the reality of it.  And to accustom myself to the thought to stop myself from wanting to panic and run in circles/ throw up (preferably not at once).

That will be the furthest long-term living (I feel like 6 weeks in the summer does not count) from my family, roots, and friends, that I will ever have undertaken.  We will even be 3 hours away in TIME.  What will happen to those relationships then?  Will I just get caught up in the stress of my new location and forget to call/ text/ email/ send cards?  How many more people will I let go?

I know.  I'm fixating.  This is part of life.  I will be fine.  I will have others to fill the voids.  But that doesn't mean I won't keep missing those holes in my heart.

Promise:  Next time I'll write a happy/ funny blog.  Remember when I used to write those?
This is kind of happy... I've lost 15 lbs since the last time I posted!  YAY.

Happy belated birthday to my man.
Happy early birthday to my seester.
They are now both two-dozen years old.  Which I like to imagine/ measure in cupcakes.

I should stop now.
Miss y'all.

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